Darkest Before the Dawn
by DownTheRabbitHoleIntoInsanity
Summary: He brought one pill up to his lips and softy kissed it, tasting the bitter but sweet taste of it on his lips. He shivered in anticipation. M for mentions of/attempts at suicide.
1. Chapter 1

Kurt Hummel rolled the bottle of pills between his fingers thoughtfully.

_Is it really worth it? Is it honestly that bad?_

He had no answer. He popped the lid open and poured a handful of pills onto his palm. He gazed at them softly, almost longingly.

_I could end it all right now._

He brought one pill up to his lips and softy kissed it, tasting the bitter but sweet taste of it on his lips. He shivered in anticipation.

_No one will miss me._

It was true. His dad had Carole and Finn now, and they haven't spoken a real conversation in over a month. Finn had his girlfriend and friends, Mercedes had her new boyfriend, and the rest of the glee club was too wrapped up in their own petty dramas to notice Kurt.

He was alone. Even Blaine, his best friend, wasn't always there. He tried to be as much as he could, but he was caught up at Dalton lately because of finals, and Kurt hadn't spoken more than a few words to him for weeks.

_They probably won't even notice._

And even if they did, they would all eventually get over it, move on, and forget about him. He would be nothing but a bad memory. Nothing but a ghost of an existence.

_So what are you waiting for?_

He didn't know. He wanted this more than anything, yet he couldn't bring himself to swallow the pills. He hesitated, unsure. He stalled and made excuses.

_But for what?_

The voice in his head had a good point. What was he waiting for? He had nothing left. He had nothing to lose. He was nothing.

And with that thought he brought the pills to his mouth, one by one, and swallowed them with a glass of water. Once he had taken enough, he laid back on his bed, waiting.

His phone beeped.

**From: Blaine**

_**Hey, Kurt! I was thinking we should do something tonight. We haven't seen each other for a while. I'll pick you up in ten minutes, ok? See you soon.**_

Kurt panicked. He couldn't let Blaine see him like this. He started to type out a message with an excuse, but he was already feeling dizzy and disoriented. He dropped his phone, not even realizing he had, and truly began to panic for the first time that night.

_I can't let Blaine see me like this. _

Why not? What did it matter? The sooner Blaine found him, dead, the better. That way it wouldn't have to be his father coming home and checking up on him, thinking he was just asleep, and finding out in the morning when he didn't wake up.

He did feel bad that Blaine was going to be the one to find him like this.

But he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. The panic eased, and he lay back down, closing his eyes, his head spinning.

He was just starting to slip under when a voice broke through the fog in his head.

"-urt? Hey, Kurt? Are you here?" Blaine. Blaine was inside already. Kurt took a deep breath, the last words he heard being, "Kurt! Oh, god. Kurt!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry it's been so long! Anyways, here's chapter 2. By the way, I apologize if this story gets triggering at times. Please don't read this if it triggers you. I don't want you to get hurt.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.**_

* * *

><p><em>Kurt walked through the halls of McKinley High, unnoticed. Even the jocks, who always went out of their way to taunt him and toss him into a set of lockers, didn't see him. Jacob Ben Israel walked right by him and seemed to look directly at him- no. Directly <em>through_ him. No one could see him at all._

_Of course they wouldn't. _

_Am I a ghost? Kurt questioned. Am I dead? _

_I hope so._

_He continued walking, looking at the faces of his fellow classmates. None of them seemed to be affected by the news of Kurt's death, Kurt noticed. Of course they wouldn't. They never cared about him when he was alive. Why should they care about him when he was dead? _

_He reached the choir room and braced himself before walking in. Immediately he was faced with his former glee club members, all stoic and silent. Finn's eyes were a little red, but he seemed fine. Rachel, ever the drama queen, sniffed and wiped her eyes. Mercedes seemed to be distraught, but otherwise fine. Sam, Puck, Tina, Mike, Artie, Brittany, Santana, and Quinn all seemed unaffected by the current news going around. But then he noticed something unusual. Blaine, who went to Dalton, was there, eyes rimmed red with tears in them and hair messy and out of its usual gelled style. He looked absolutely _wrecked_. He had obviously been crying, and still was. He was mostly silent, except for a few sobs that came up every few minutes. Kurt was shocked, to say the least._

_But that wasn't the strangest part. Blaine wasn't actually silent. He was quietly mumbling something over and over again under his breath, rocking back and forth slightly. No one seemed to notice him doing this, or that he was even there. Kurt walked forward slightly, intent on hearing what Blaine was saying._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Blaine repeated these words like a mantra. Kurt cocked his head to the side, confused. _

"_B-Blaine? What are you doing here? Why are you sorry?" Kurt asked, hesitant._

_Blaine's gaze snapped up to where Kurt was, but he didn't really seem to be seeing him. "Kurt? Kurt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so _sorry_. I should have been there earlier I'm _sorry_." Blaine let out a dry sob and put his head in his hands._

_Suddenly, they were no longer in the choir room. They were in a hospital, and Kurt's father was there._

"_Blaine? Calm down, bud. This isn't your fault. If anything, it's m-mine," Burt said, sniffing at the end. Kurt turned and looked at the bed in the hospital. He gasped. He saw himself, _himself_, lying in the bed._

_Is- Is that me? Kurt wondered. He looked so pale and skinny in the large bed. He looked like death had warmed over._

_Blaine sobbed again, yet quieter and less forceful this time. "I should have been there, Mr. Hummel. I should have gotten there earlier. I could have saved him."_

"_Son, don't talk like that. He's alive. He'll be fine, and this was _not_ your fault."_

"It was his. He did this to himself,"_ Kurt's brain supplied the insinuated words, the words he _knew_ his father truly believed. The words that his whole family and friends probably believed, trying to lift some of the guilt off of their shoulders._

_Blaine suddenly got up and began pacing, near hyperventilation. He paced and gripped his hair in his hands, tears streaking down his face and a slightly crazed look on his face._

"_Blaine, son, you've got to calm down. He'll be ok. Trust me." Kurt's father put his hands on Blaine's shoulders and gently steered him back to the chair besides Kurt's bed. Blaine sank down, tired and worn out, before he looked over at Kurt in the bed. His eyes quickly filled with tears again, and he hesitantly reached for Kurt's hand. As soon as their hands touched, Blaine relaxed and leant forward, his head resting on their entwined hands._

_Burt cleared his throat and said, "I'm going to head home for the night to tell Carole and Finn what happened. You can stay here with him if you'd like. I'll be back in the morning." Blaine nodded his head in acknowledgement and sniffed loudly. Burt patted Blaine on his shoulder before kissing Kurt's forehead and leaving the room with one final look at his son._

_As soon as the door clicked shut, Blaine's shoulders began shaking violently with repressed sobs. Each sob that left his lips stabbed Kurt's heart a million times, leaving him feeling empty and hurt._

_Kurt was starting to slip away before Blaine spoke again. "Kurt? If you can hear me, I'm so sorry. I should have seen the signs. I should have gotten there earlier. I am so sorry Kurt. I'm a terrible friend. You don't deserve me."_

No!_ I don't deserve you! Please don't think that way, Blaine. I'm sorry too. _

_But Kurt's thoughts weren't heard. They were only there, in his head, screaming and pleading to be let out._

"_I just wish… I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. You're not just a friend to me Kurt. You're so much more. I just need you to wake up so I can tell you. I need you to live for me. Please. I love you, Kurt. Please wake up."_

_Please wake up._

_Please wake up._

_Please wake up._

Please wake up.

Darkness. Pain. Sorrow. More pain. That was all Kurt could feel.

Wait, _feel?_ Wasn't he supposed to lose himself when he died? Was he even dead?

_I'm not dead, am I? Oh god, I can't even kill myself right!_

Kurt groaned and tried to roll onto his side, wanting to curl up in a ball and just cry, but he couldn't move. He couldn't believe he even failed at this.

"-urt? Kurt? Are you awake?" A voice broke through the heavy fog that seemed to settle on Kurt's mind, but he couldn't quite place the voice. "Kurt?" the voice questioned again.

Kurt tried to respond, give another grunt, grip the fingers he suddenly felt holding his, but his mind was moving faster than his body. He couldn't move. He faintly heard the person next to him, the person holding his hand, sigh and settle back into the chair next to the hospital bed.

Next, he heard the steady beeping of a monitor.

_So I'm not dead. I'm alive._

For some reason, this both terrified and relieved Kurt. For one, he was alive and clearly someone cared enough to stay with him, even though he was sure they would leave as soon as possible. However, he was unbelievably scared of what being alive still could bring. His dad was surely going to be angry at him, as would Carole. Finn would be confused and try to help, but ultimately he would try to avoid Kurt.

And Blaine. Blaine was the one who found Kurt. Surely he would be repulsed or even furious at Kurt for doing that to him.

_I'm a terrible person. I should have told Blaine not to come._

But then what? Have his father find him instead? That would have been probably worse. Still, Kurt wished Blaine was never involved in this.

"Is he still asleep?" Kurt heard a new voice, a lower, gruffer voice, ask.

"Yeah. I thought I heard him groan earlier but I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part," the more familiar voice said. Kurt then heard another sigh, this time from the second voice.

_Dad. Dad and Blaine are here._

He wanted to cry. Kurt didn't want his father or Blaine to see him like this, so weak and pathetic. At least at home he could pretend. At least at school he could slip into the background and not have anyone notice. But now the bright lights of the hospital room seemed to be trained on him like a spotlight and Kurt didn't want anything more than to just disappear, or better yet, die.

_I should have died. I shouldn't be here._

He wanted to scream in frustration. It wasn't fair! Why did every single last thing he tried to do never work out? Why did he always fail at everything?

_You should be dead. You don't deserve to live. Just think of the hospital bills your dad will have to pay off now. This shouldn't have happened. This is all your fault._

Stop! The voice in Kurt's head, the pessimist, depressing, accusatory one, was giving him a headache and a stomach ache.

"Kurt? Are you alright bud?" Bud. _Bud._ Dad.

_Dad! I'm okay, I'm sorry! I am so sorry, dad. I didn't want you to have to deal with me anymore. I'm sorry._

Kurt wanted to say these things so bad, but his tongue rested in his mouth like a dry piece of led. He wanted to move, to get up, to wake up, but his body wouldn't let him.

"I don't think he can hear you, Mr. Hummel," Blaine said, sounding dead tired. "I've been trying all night."

Kurt felt a stab of guilt and regret at his words. He suddenly recalled bits and pieces of a dream he might have had before he 'woke up'. He couldn't remember the full thing, but he did distinctly remember Blaine's sobs and his father's broken voice, trying to reassure the distraught boy. There was more to it, Kurt was sure. There was definitely something important Blaine said, but Kurt couldn't recall. After thinking about it for a minute, trying to make himself remember and giving himself a headache in the process, Kurt gave up.

Burt sighed, defeated. "I know, I know. I just can't help but hope, you know? All I want to know right now is _why?_ Why did my son think he was not needed here? What was the breaking point? Why didn't I _notice god-dammit!_" Burt's voice steadily rose until the last statement was shouted. Blaine flinched, obviously wondering the same things.

"I-I don't know, Mr. Hummel. I don't know." Blaine's voice, usually so lively and happy and _full_, was dull and sounded like a broken man, a man who has been through too much in such a little time, a man whose life has been changed too quickly, a defeated man's voice. Kurt's heart ached at the sound. He wanted Blaine to be okay more than anything.

After all, that's what you want when you're in love with the person.

And with that thought, Kurt woke up.


	3. Chapter 3

Blaine Anderson never thought that something like this would happen to him. He honestly didn't. One minute, everything was fine. His friends were happy, he was happy, and most importantly, Kurt was happy. Or at least he thought. Because he wasn't. No, Kurt wasn't happy at all. He was sad, sad and broken. Broken beyond repair. He was gone long before he tried to kill himself. But he had seemed happy. He had put on a good act, or at least good enough to fool everyone, everyone but himself.

In so many words, Blaine was not suspecting this. He cared about Kurt, cared about him very deeply. And for something like this to happen to someone he loved so much? Well, he couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle the knowledge that he had somehow failed Kurt; that he had somehow drove him to the edge, dropped him off, and bid a farewell and a nice day. He had done nothing.

And now he was paying for it. Seven whole _hours _he had sat there by Kurt. Seven hours he had watched his best friend sleep with a frown on his pale face. He watched as Kurt had to have his stomach pumped to get the pills he consumed out. He watched as Kurt had a bad reaction to the sleeping medication the doctors put him on. He watched as he groaned in pain and twisted in his sheets as a sheen of sweat appeared on his beautiful face. He was there watching as the doctors fluttered about, fixing the problem. He stood there, helpless and in the way. He felt terrible, absolutely terrible.

He was a failure as a friend. Kurt deserved so much _better_ and he had failed him. He had let the one person who made him happy slip away, and it was almost detrimental.

And it wasn't until this had all happened before it all smacked Blaine in the face- the signs, the silent pleas, the lingering looks of "Please just notice. I need you to notice. Ask about the bandages. Ask about the bottle of random pills you found in my bathroom. Please, help" that Kurt had constantly given him. He was so _stupid_ to ignore him. He had thought nothing of it while it was happening, but now, oh God, now it was too late. Kurt could have _died_ and Blaine had done _nothing_ to help him. Some friend he was.

It seemed to Blaine that he could never catch a break. That is, until Kurt finally woke up.

At first he didn't hear the small and barely audible gasp. But then Kurt groaned in pain, causing Blaine and Burt's heads to whip around so fast you could hear them crack.

"B-Blaine? Dad?" came Kurt's small, raspy voice. Blaine shot up from his seat and grabbed Kurt's hand as Burt stood by the other side of the bed, looking hopeful. The expression on his face was nearly heartbreaking. The look of pure hope was written across it, but there was also doubt and wariness and fear, fear of hoping too much for nothing. Blaine glanced back down to Kurt to see his eyes flutter open. Even under the current circumstances, Blaine couldn't help but notice how beautiful Kurt looked.

"Kurt? I'm right here. I'm here," Blaine said, his voice cracking. He choked up and whispered again, "I'm here." Kurt's eyes found his, and noticing the tears in Blaine's, immediately filled with tears of their own.

"Blaine, I am so, so sorry. God, please don't hate me," Kurt pleaded, his eyes wild and scared.

"Kurt, no, no plea-" Blaine began before Burt cut him off.

"Kurt, are you ok? Son, are you alright? Do you hurt anywhere? Do you want food? I bet you're hungry… Kurt it'll be alright, it's ok, don't worry. We'll get through this together," Burt rambled, gesturing wildly with his hands and frantically hovering over Kurt, his eyes searching all over Kurt's body to see if he was truly there and ok and awake.

Kurt gave a small chuckle, something that caused Blaine's heart to swell and break at the same time, before grabbing his father's hand and reassuring him that yes, he was fine, and he loves him. Burt shut up and just stared at Kurt for a moment before breaking down and hugging his son through both of their sobs. Blaine stepped back, observing, and shed a few tears of his own. He was so relieved to see Kurt awake, but he was also scared of what would happen next. Would Kurt get better, or would he go even further into a depression? Would he reject Blaine's help and push him away? Would he suddenly drop Blaine as a friend because he was ashamed or embarrassed? But all of his troubling thoughts were quelled for the moment when he looked at Kurt to see his own teary eyes staring right back at him. His gaze held love and sorrow. Blaine saw every emotion swirling in Kurt's grey-blue eyes, almost clouding them with how much he felt. Blaine was mesmerized, transfixed on Kurt's beautiful eyes. He could bring himself to look away. They held the gaze for a moment before Burt sniffed loudly and pulled out of the embrace. Kurt's gaze shifted back to his father, but Blaine steadily stared at Kurt, thinking that it was almost too good to be true that Kurt was awake and _alive_. He wasn't ok, that much was for sure, and Blaine could totally understand that, but it was a start.

"Dad, I'm so sorry. I-I don't know w-why I did it but I just felt so a-alone all the time," Kurt began, his voice wavering and fresh tears appearing, "and I j-just wanted it to e-end. And _Blaine_," Kurt said, now staring straight at Blaine with a distressed and almost manic look on his face. "Blaine, I am s-so _sorry_. I shouldn't have put you through that. I should h-have called and told you to g-go h-home, and I'm s-so s-sorry," he wailed, burying his face in his hands.

Blaine rushed to his side and hovered over him, clutching his hands and prying them away from his face. He placed his own hands on either side of Kurt's face and stared into his eyes, softly running his thumbs over Kurt's cheeks, wiping away the tears. Kurt reached up and with one hand, he held onto one of Blaine's, and the other wiped away Blaine's tears. He stared at Blaine, sad yet calm again. "Kurt, no. Please do not apologize to me. I'm not saying what you've done is ok," Blaine said as Kurt's eyes averted, shame colouring his face, "_but_, I'm not completely innocent here either. I should have noticed, Kurt. I should have seen the signs. I s-should have seen w-what was h-happening to you because _it happened to me too_," Blaine cried, resting his forehead against Kurt's and closing his eyes. He breathed deeply for a moment as he collected himself. Burt cleared his throat and told them he would go tell the doctor that Kurt was awake and go get some food for them all. Blaine shakily nodded his head, still pressed against Kurt's, but remained still.

Kurt, on the other hand, paid no mind to a word his father said. He was too caught up with what Blaine had just told him. Had he done the same things to himself that Kurt had? Had he attempted to take his life also? What did he mean by all that?

It wasn't until Blaine pulled away that he realized he had voiced his thoughts. Blaine looked closed off now, like a curtain had fallen over his eyes, making it impossible to see the true emotion there. Blaine turned and walked to the other side of the room and sat down in a chair against the wall. He placed his head in his hands and sighed quietly as Kurt watched with curiosity and confusion. "Blaine, are you ok? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry…" Kurt said, trailing off at the expression on Blaine's face. He looked… scared. Scared and hopeless and conflicted. "Blaine, it's ok. You don't have to tell me. After all, you don't even know my story yet…" Kurt looked away from Blaine and looked out the window. The world outside was just waking up, the sun casting pink and orange glows across the sky, kissing the buildings and trees and people as they all slowly came back into reality.

_It's beautiful,_ Kurt thought, _but it's too beautiful. There's a time and place for beauty. This isn't one of those times, not with the current circumstances._

Kurt heard Blaine shift and stand up, but he didn't look, fearing that he had pried too far or said too much, scaring Blaine off. But Blaine didn't leave. Instead, he came over to Kurt and slowly climbed into the small hospital bed with Kurt, making sure not to jostle him. Kurt was shocked, but gladly shifted over to accommodate Blaine. They both settled in, staring at the ceiling and not saying a word. Finally, Blaine looked over to Kurt, which caused Kurt to look at Blaine, placing their faces mere inches from each other. Kurt could feel the small puffs of breath Blaine took across his face, and his heart picked up from the proximity. His heart monitor started to beep a little faster, but nothing large enough to catch Blaine's attention. He sighed and stared into Blaine's honey-hazel eyes. Blaine stared back, almost disbelievingly so.

"I'm here. It's ok," Kurt said, searching Blaine's eyes as he did so. Blaine nodded once, slowly, and continued staring at Kurt like he couldn't believe he was truly there. "We're ok," Kurt added. Blaine's eyes then welled up with fresh tears again, and he quickly buried his face in Kurt's neck, throwing his arm around his waist and squeezing hard. Kurt let out a small "oof" but gently lifted his arm to hug Blaine back, gently rubbing circles into his back as the shorter boy sobbed into Kurt's chest. Kurt's heart ached. He had put Blaine, along with the rest of his family and small group of friends, a lot of pain.

It was also then that Kurt realized that Blaine really did care about him. Judging by the way Blaine clutched at him like if he let go, Kurt would disappear, and the way he began to calm his sobs because of Kurt's touch and hold, and the way he nuzzled Kurt's neck and slowly breathed him in, Kurt knew. He just knew that Blaine cared for him, otherwise he wouldn't be here, lying in a cramped and uncomfortable hospital bed with Kurt, clinging onto him and showing no signs of letting go anytime soon, and breathing him in. He wouldn't have done these things if he didn't care for Kurt, at least somewhat. Blaine's breathing slowed down and Kurt knew he had fallen asleep. He lay there, holding Blaine, for what seemed like hours but was really only minutes. Eventually, he drifted off himself, relieving him of his troubling thoughts just for a little while.

He might not be ok, but at least he had Blaine.


End file.
